WoW

I love World of Warcraft....sooo much...I just wish I didn't have to pay.. I have re-created trial accounts with different emails (duh) at least 15 times...its sucks. the highest level I ever got was 14.. I really want to be able to play it without worries about losing it because I forgot to pay the last month or something...I don't like saying this because it doesn't actually sound like a good thing but WoW is like an escape...you can get so sucked in its like your actually a part of the horde or the alliance (HORDE RULES!) I remember feeling so proud that I was an honored member of the Tauran tribe..I felt like i had done some good deeds...after reaching maybe level 12 i did some major exploring and it was totally awesome. I found a lava pit and a rain forest that was beautiful. some thing I see in the game are like things I would see in a dream. they are beautiful...and the under water city?! so cool!! but its mostly a battle ground and there are always those survivors that try to kill you which sucks...being in trial mode I don't often see other players unless I am in a huge city but I cant talk to them...it kinda sucks... I don't know why? maybe I set it to the wrong thing when I downloaded the game....either way...I love this game...sometimes I wish I was really there..fighting for my tribe or seeing the world.....having an adventure and being part of something much bigger...of course I mean maybe a world like that or something...so it would look like real life kinda....maybe if it looked like the animation they use in the trailers..that would be cool....I guess I just think this because my life is the opposite.... I'm stuck in one place...I have to wait forever to do anything...I can't do much on my own..and I am just I person out of almost 7 billion...I'm not very important in the grand scheme of things....sounds really depressing right?.....

Modern....

I have been trying to hang out with friends more lately..I am soo bored and I don't know what else to do other than watch anime and videos about the GazettE(which never get boring)... But I don't really know who to hang out with and there are plenty of people I could hang out with but don't really want to hang out with.. I am planning on having a small party with a bunch of my girlfriends lol. one of which is my best friend..I usually don't have a best friend because so many of my friends are at a tie so its hard to choose and I don't like to but we hang out the most so I guess it works...idk...I really wish I could hang out with more guys but all of them are kinda scared of me and would be creeped out if I asked and they would think in their tiny little minds "oh no she likes me!!" which is totally not why...whats wrong with people these days... I am so gonna have an awesome time with all of my awesome friends...I hope...unless something goes wrong...hope not...

So ture and Painful...

I hate being like this.. It makes me feel so trapped. I really want to take part in so many things at school and the things I want to do are either really easy and simple or sooo much fun but for some reason my mind just wont let me and I freeze up and just can do anything. There are so many thing I want to do and try, games I want to play, questions i want to answer but I just can't..or I just don't.. Even if I know the answer I'm soo scared of it actually being wrong or making mistakes in really dumb situations.. I get so much support from tons of people and it makes me so happy but it just never works. I always feel like I've failed them. I know being wrong or messing up isn't bad, it can actually be funny and fun. but for some reason.....I just can't...or just don't.... random shit....damn it...

HEY!

Hey! whatever happened to being able to speak freely about your feeling..you talk to someone important to you and its like"...because your my friend!" or "your important to me" and then their thinking "wooooh this person is creepy stalker! oh they totally dig me. I am gonna so ignore them now"....what the heck?!? how come people cant talk to each other like caring friends. they instantly think your creepy when your try to talk to them seriously about something or they start laughing ang then they ignore you for EVAH!! I have guy friends that I want to talk to about some important issues and then they get all creeped out because I'm trying to care about them like a friend.. one of them won't even come to my house because he's all like "your soo gonna rape me"....oh yah..totally..because I am so gonna be able to do that being like 1ft shorter than you...yah..right..its fuckin' annoying. I just want to talk to a friend that will understand where I am coming from and not thing I "dig" them or some crap like that. I have friends and I just want to be able to understand them and what they are going through. what to be there to comfort them when they cry and be the one to make them laugh.... everyone is just immature enough to be all like "OMG she is SOOO like.. CReEPy!!!".. I love my friends...yah... REALLY love em.. please...you guys are ridiculous....

Do you Remember?...(like the other song ^__^)

sometimes I start to think about the old days back in elementary (wow its been a while). I remember when I first met you, you didn't mean anything to me. you were just another on of the dozens of people I had seen on the first day of 4th grade. i didn't think anything about you. not that you were pretty cute or tall (compared to me). I remember little things like when we were comparing languages in after school and we all said something in a different language, you said something in Thai and me in Japanese. I remember when you complemented me on how straight I could draw a line. you were barely an acquaintance at the time.

Then in 6th grade, 2 years later.we had some classes together. I sat next to you and we would talk. you joked around and I laughed really hard. after a while I started to like you and I let you know. "WHAT? WHAT WHAT WHAT?" that's what you said. you were sooo surprised, I would have been to if I were you. then you started dating. then you dated my best friend. then everyone went crazy. I wanted to be a part of it sooo much. Be a part of the group, it looked like a lot of fun but I just never fit in, did I? I started to worry. I didn't want anyone to make any foolish mistakes. I wanted to make sure everyone made a good decision. what I wanted was to be there as a friend for you to help you and to give you advise( I still do). people started to get careless.

7th grade I felt like things have gotten better. I feel like everyone has calmed down quite a bit. but I always wished I could have gotten across to people when I tried to tell them what it really is when you date someone. once you actually told me that you had always been listening to me but you were to afraid to admit it. I hope that you remembered what I said. I feel like when you fall in love with someone, you mean it but..your too careless. you need to think more. just a bit...

sometimes I feel like there is a side to your that your not showing anyone..maybe you haven't even realized that part of you yet...yah your still one of "those" guys...(no offense)

I'm really sorry if I'm pissing you off. I found out about a lot more thing when I was little and understood it faster. I understood it before a lot of people did, which might be why my feelings are so strong but I don't think a lot of the people around me are ready for that and don't understand it enough (one of the reasons why I'm not dating)... I don't understand why it has to be like this and I just want to be your friend. someone you cant turn to when you need help so I don't get why we have to cut each other off completely from each other. I remember when you use to give me hugs and we use to hang out. we were cool with each other...
Basically...after all this time. and everything that has happened to us from the moment I saw you.. I never..ever...thought it would end up like this..ever...  heck I didn't even think about it! I didn't even know you...I am glad though because we are moving on and now we are both smarter (kinda) and we have joked around in class together like normal friends... It's cool so I'm glad...dude if you ever somehow read this...please oh PLEASE don't think I'm a stalker(again).. It sounds mean saying I wasted my time chasing after you...but its kinda true.. A little to young and stupid...srry /:) ......um...just saying.. a lot of people who knew I liked you said we would look cute together...yah I doubt its ever gonna happen but....hmm...weird...I dont know...never mind....I'm gonna go...

All the things you said..(like the song lol)

I actually just wrote this but for some reason it didn't save and now I have to re-write the beginning of but in short.. There are so many people I never thought I would get to know as well as I do now and become as close of friends as am with them now. I love all my friends so much and its the best being with them... there are still some people that I haven't been able to fix my relationship with though and I have decided not to linger on it anymore even though its still saddening and I wish it were different...

There is this guy who is really nice, and every seventh hour (the only hour I have with him) he gives me a hug and I get to talk to him and its fun. I think I really like him too... recently he took the time to find out a little bit more about me. he asked why I don't go up and perform or present any of my projects so I told him about my anxiety. I told him about how it prevented me from doing a lot of thing I wanted to and he asked what they were.. I felt very happy because I could fully and clearly tell someone a little bit about how I feel without it just being me blabbering and running out of breathe trying to get people to get it.. I feel like I got to say it calmly and clearly which took a lot of pressure of my mind... He makes me feel safe.. I don't really like him anymore.. but I felt like he understood it...Everyone kept on bitching at me about liking him. like he was actually a jerk or he spoke without thinking kinda stuff. I didn't really care...I don't really want to date anyway. lots of school relationships don't last so I feel like its better to wait until I know I have a chance of having a long term relationship with someone....I'm thinking to wait till college..can I do it?....maybe...I am confident but I don't think alot of guys like me... I have a good personality but it either attracts people or scares them away (yah..GREAT personality)...Either way..I'm looking forward to the future...I think..not sure..(kinda scared)...(but exited!)

So confusing....

I feel like I'm speaking the wrong language..Eating the wrong food..Living in the wrong country..its like I'm just not where I'm supposed to be and I'm sick of it. I feel a desperate need to get out.. maybe the fact that I got so exposed to all this, culture and language..with Japan and Korea and Mexico, Germany, etc. I just feel out of place here...